Pick Up My Purse & Go…

11.18.2010



 
Hello Lovelies! I’m taking a bit of a break from my typical subject matter to let you guys have a peek behind the curtain that is my life.
The title of today’s post says it all; I am ready to pick up one of my haute handbags and go. Calling my current state a rut is a gross understatement. In my mind, I’m selling most of my material trappings and bidding adieu to Chicago and my job. Lately I have been pretty miserable. I try to hide it because I don’t want to be a dark cloud to others. The truth is I took my current job because I was tired of job hunting. Having been unemployed for nineteen long months, I was at my wits end and my savings were nearly depleted. I took the first thing that was offered to me. Big. Mistake. My job is just that…a job. It’s not my dream job, but I give all my energy over to it because I conditioned myself to do well in the workforce years ago. I refuse to fail at anything I do.
Inside little pieces of me are being pushed out and I’m moving further and further away from the things I want to pursue. I spend eight hours a day at work, staring at a computer, poring over spreadsheets, and reading reports. By the time I make it home, all I want to do is rest which translates into no energy to blog, no desire to be around people, and my dreams remain on hold.

I wear my emotions for all to see. If I’m mad, you know it. If I don’t like you, trust me you will know from the look on my face. At work, I’m very focused on the work and I interact very little with my coworkers. I’m sure my office mates can tell that I’m not as jovial as I was when I first came on board. It’s not the job, it’s me. After three months, I had to face the reality that I do not like my job. You all have no idea how guilty I felt when I said that out loud. Wasn’t I being ungrateful? Millions of people are out of work, and I have the nerve to not like my job. I had a lot of damn nerve! Had I not spent countless nights praying for a job? Did I miss something while I was out of work? Was I too focused on working again when I should have been pursuing my dreams? I never know what to choose when I come to the fork in the road. I don’t have the security of a significant other who can handle the bills while I do me. Everything falls on my shoulders. I have to take care of myself. If I don’t work, I don’t eat, I could end up homeless. Those thoughts terrify me and keep me stuck in a job and city that each day I loathe just a little more. I’m too old to go back home to mom and at thirty-faux (*smile*) shouldn’t I have it all figured out by now?

I’m supposed to be somewhere else doing something else. Wouldn’t it be grand if I knew where and what? I have a mantra taped to my wall at work: NONE OF THIS MATTERS. I am on the path to my purpose. I am seeking a change. This is what I do, not who I am. I look at those words about ten times a day. I pray the answers come soon because I am slowly but surely losing the battle that is going on inside me.

Thanks for reading my mini vent! I'll be back with my normal fabness (is that a word???) really soon.




2 comments:

Jamie @ Rural Glamour said...

Hey Sis,

Don't feel bad that you dont like that job. You are human and sometimes we dont like stuff. I totally understand feeling guilty about it. I can't tell how many times I've taken a job for sake of getting away from another one or because I was unemployed and needed it only to find out it was a big mistake. Trust that God has any answer you need in this matter. I'm here for you!

Courtney said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. It really stinks when you have conflicting feelings like you do about wanting a job and then not enjoying the one that you have. It will work itself out though, don't worry. It really will. Do you have options if you opted to relocate? Where would you want to be living? Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith and make the change, even though it may seem scary.

Keep your chin up, girl!

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