Hello Lovelies! I’m taking a bit of a break from my typical subject matter to let you guys have a peek behind the curtain that is my life.
The title of today’s post says it all; I am ready to pick up one of my haute handbags and go. Calling my current state a rut is a gross understatement. In my mind, I’m selling most of my material trappings and bidding adieu to Chicago and my job. Lately I have been pretty miserable. I try to hide it because I don’t want to be a dark cloud to others. The truth is I took my current job because I was tired of job hunting. Having been unemployed for nineteen long months, I was at my wits end and my savings were nearly depleted. I took the first thing that was offered to me. Big. Mistake. My job is just that…a job. It’s not my dream job, but I give all my energy over to it because I conditioned myself to do well in the workforce years ago. I refuse to fail at anything I do.Inside little pieces of me are being pushed out and I’m moving further and further away from the things I want to pursue. I spend eight hours a day at work, staring at a computer, poring over spreadsheets, and reading reports. By the time I make it home, all I want to do is rest which translates into no energy to blog, no desire to be around people, and my dreams remain on hold.
I wear my emotions for all to see. If I’m mad, you know it. If I don’t like you, trust me you will know from the look on my face. At work, I’m very focused on the work and I interact very little with my coworkers. I’m sure my office mates can tell that I’m not as jovial as I was when I first came on board. It’s not the job, it’s me. After three months, I had to face the reality that I do not like my job. You all have no idea how guilty I felt when I said that out loud. Wasn’t I being ungrateful? Millions of people are out of work, and I have the nerve to not like my job. I had a lot of damn nerve! Had I not spent countless nights praying for a job? Did I miss something while I was out of work? Was I too focused on working again when I should have been pursuing my dreams? I never know what to choose when I come to the fork in the road. I don’t have the security of a significant other who can handle the bills while I do me. Everything falls on my shoulders. I have to take care of myself. If I don’t work, I don’t eat, I could end up homeless. Those thoughts terrify me and keep me stuck in a job and city that each day I loathe just a little more. I’m too old to go back home to mom and at thirty-faux (*smile*) shouldn’t I have it all figured out by now?
I’m supposed to be somewhere else doing something else. Wouldn’t it be grand if I knew where and what? I have a mantra taped to my wall at work: NONE OF THIS MATTERS. I am on the path to my purpose. I am seeking a change. This is what I do, not who I am. I look at those words about ten times a day. I pray the answers come soon because I am slowly but surely losing the battle that is going on inside me.
Thanks for reading my mini vent! I'll be back with my normal fabness (is that a word???) really soon.
